I wrote this in my journal some months back. And boy, I do find parenting really hard on some days, and this is what helps me.I grew up with strict rules, discipline, and no space to express feelings. Now, as a mom, I feel like not yelling or hitting is a big win—but is that enough? I often find myself correcting my child instead of truly understanding him. 💔
Reading The Parenting Map by Dr. Shefali is making me think differently. Instead of trying to control, I want to connect. Instead of focusing on discipline, I want to listen. Instead of shaping my child into who I think he should be, I want to see him for who he is.
There are days when I feel like all I do is discipline my child.
I correct him, tell him what not to do, remind him to behave better, and then at night, I lie awake wondering—Why does it feel like I’m failing? I don’t hit, I don’t scream (most of the time), I try my best…so why does it still feel so hard?
And then I realized: I was raised with discipline, not connection.
Love in my childhood looked like rules, obedience, and doing what was expected. And now, as a mom, I don’t always know how to lead with empathy. But I do know one thing—I want better for my child. I want to parent differently.
That’s when I found The Parenting Map by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, and it completely changed the way I see discipline and connection. Instead of just focusing on behavior, it helped me look deeper—at myself, at my triggers, at my own wounds. Because to raise an emotionally healthy child, we first have to heal the way we parent.
Here’s what I’m learning (and unlearning) as I try to break the cycle and build a relationship with my child, not just control his behavior.
Stage 1: Awakening – Parenting Starts with Me
I used to think my child’s behavior was the problem. Now, I see that my reactions are just as important. Here’s what I’m working on:
🔹 Noticing My Triggers – When my child is rude, I feel rage. But is it really about him? Or is it because I was never allowed to talk back?
🔹 Letting Go of Expectations – My child is his own person, not an extension of me. I don’t need to mold him into an “ideal” version.
🔹 Recognizing My Ego in Parenting – When I snap, it’s often because I feel disrespected. But parenting isn’t about my pride—it’s about guiding, not controlling.
Stage 2: Transforming – From Correction to Connection
So how do I change? How do I stop reacting and start responding? These steps are helping me shift from discipline to teaching with love:
✅ Pause Before Reacting – Instead of saying, “That was rude!”, I take a deep breath and ask, “What made you say that?”
✅ Use Empathy, Not Power – If my child is melting down, my instinct is to say “Enough!” But I’m learning to say, “I see you’re upset. Let’s take a break.”
✅ Change My Parenting Language – Instead of “You’re being so difficult!”, I say “I see this is hard for you.” Small shifts, big impact.
✅ Set Boundaries with Respect – Boundaries don’t need to be harsh. Instead of “Stop talking back!”, I say, “I’ll listen when we both speak kindly.”
Stage 3: Manifesting – Building a Lifelong Bond
This is the part I never saw in my own childhood: Repair. Emotional safety. Connection. And I’m learning to build it through simple, conscious choices:
💛 Modeling the Behavior I Want to See – If I want kindness, I need to show it—especially when I’m frustrated.
💛 Validating Emotions (Even the Hard Ones) – “It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to hurt someone when you’re angry.”
💛 Choosing Relationship Over Power Struggles – Less punishment, more teaching. Less control, more trust.
I still get irritated, I still snap sometimes, but now I catch myself. And when I do, I pause, take a breath, and remind myself:
My child is not giving me a hard time, he is having a hard time.
I don’t need to win this battle—I need to help him through it.
Discipline is not about control. It’s about teaching, guiding, and loving.
Parenting this way takes unlearning, patience, and practice. But I see it working. I see my child trusting me more. I see our connection deepening. And I know that every time I choose connection over control, I am breaking a cycle—and building something better. ❤️
Are you trying to parent differently than how you were raised?
If you REALLY want to change - you can join our parenting workshop in March for 21 days- https://www.myburgo.com/experts/Shreya-Mitra/workshop/21-days-parenting-with-connection
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